One of my goals for 2010 is to get my yoga teacher certification – it’s something that I’ve thought about for years, after my career as a dancer came to a dead end. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life locked in submission behind a desk and a mound of paperwork. I’ve always had the urge to move, whether it be gymnastics, swimming, running, dancing, going ice skating, or even simply rolling down a grassy hill (that last one was more so when I was 7 years old – not so much now). In addition, I’ve always found excitement in being a teacher of some kind – Sunday school, preschool, leading a high school dance team, or training new people at work. One of my best friends says that when I talk about yoga and the possibility of teaching, I get this happy look on my face that in only matched when I talk about love.
In my meditation on whether or not this would be the “right” path for me, the biggest hurdle for me is my body. Every yoga instructor I’ve ever had has looked like they stepped straight out of a Yoga Journal pictorial: the women are all lithe with flat stomachs, able to do binds and arm balances, and move through seemingly effortless vinyasas.
Today, I wouldn’t necessarily call myself “fat” (even though, given the opportunity, I’d love to melt away the jiggle on my arms and thighs instantaneously). I’d say I was “healthy”. In fact, I’ve pretty much come to accept my body and the way it’s structured, and I’m grateful that I have one that works pretty well. I’ve always had body image issues, and struggled with my weight. As a ballet dancer, I suffered from a few years of eating disorders and body dysmorphia, and through a very turbulent patch of life, dropped dress sizes, and gained them all right back, and then some. Now I’m probably a good ten or so pounds heavier than I’d like to be…but regardless of how much weight I’d ever lost, I remained flat-footed, knock-kneed, hyperextended, with large thighs and big ballet calves that made poses like Gomukhasana or Marichyasana pretty much impossible. Even trying a bind in Side Angle pose is difficult. If a teacher is supposed to be the example, shouldn’t they be able to do almost everything, without modifications?
Part of me wonders if this is an obvious indication that I am not ready to become a yoga teacher.
I still catch myself in the habit of checking the mirror and comparing myself to the other people in my yoga classes. (It probably doesn’t help that I take classes at a very trendy gym with very fit people decked out in Lululemon.) I’m hoping that in the next nine months – the period before the yoga teacher training that I want to attend – that I can figure out compromise between feeling totally inadequate, and the intense yearning I have to share my own gifts with others. If my intention is to share and teach, that should er….outweigh everything else, right?
